Oh London, you large, greedy mother of a metropolis, can’t you stop being so dominating? All roads do not lead to London, even if you like to think so. Yes, there are people who identify with London rather than Britain (especially if they are super rich foreigners who worship at the altar of Harrods and buy empty mansions that only inflate house prices even more). Yes, London is large, diverse, rich and exciting. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of this wonderful country should be neglected, or that the Inns of Court should be fetishised at the expense of the regional circuits.
Your Barrister Hottie Experts are thrilled to announce that this period of prejudice is over. We are equal opportunity objectifiers of the Welsh, Mancunian and Bristolian barristers, and many more.
So here you go girls and boys. We hope you enjoy salivating over the 21 hottest regional male barristers as much as we did. As always send us comments and suggestions at firstname.lastname@example.org, get the latest updates on Twitter and like us on Facebook (cuz no one has yet and it’s embarrassing!).
The Barrister Hottie Experts
1) Matthew O’Grady (St. Mary’s Chambers): Matthew O’Grady is the perfect poor woman’s JFK Jr. If we were making a budget biopic about the gloriously handsome socialite, we’d definitely cast dishy Matt. We might also cast him as Ferdinand the bull because of his flared nostrils. His chambers page says he’s ‘keen to further develop a practice in all areas of Family Law’. Does that include marriage (hint hint)? We wish we had an evil stepmother or ex-husband that we wanted to sue the crap out of so we could go see Matt. But sometimes life just doesn’t work out that way.
2) Matthew Brown (Guildhall Chambers):
When we first stumbled across Matthew’s minuscule chambers pic, we were flummoxed. We squinted, we brought out our magnifying glass, we took a screenshot and projected it onto the wall. But we still couldn’t answer the all-important and all-consuming conundrum of ‘hot or not?’! But just in the nick of time, Guildhall sources came to our rescue and sent us this pic, which despite looking photoshopped, shows Matthew in his full glory and confirms the rumour that he is ‘the hottest barrister in Bristol’. His eyes are sweet and kind - ‘people melt when they look into those chocolaty brown eyes’ writes one fan. His skin is clear and glowing (blur tool?). His suit is fresh and elegant. According to our Guildhall mole, Mathew is ‘smoking hot’, ‘incredibly bright’ and one of the funniest people she has had the pleasure of knowing. He also sent his girlfriend 2 bunches of flowers on their second anniversary. Aww. Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury (us), Matthew Brown is guilty as charged.
3) James Snelus (St. Mary’s Chambers): James looks like he just walked off the set of a Tom Ford film, which is a good thing after all the cobwebbed combovers and heinous pinstripe suits we’ve had to endure on our regional hottie hunt. Points for grooming and style, James, as well as that hint of a smile which is perfectly judged. We also like the delightful cleft in his chin – he’s totally pulling off the Cary Grant in Notorious look, which makes us want to cling to him like Ingrid Bergman.
4) Shaun Spencer (St Johns Buildings): Getting to know Shaun (visually) has been a roller coaster of emotions. First it was high, then it was low, then it was way, way high and now we don’t know what to think. Let us take you through it. The minute Shaun followed us on Twitter, our interest was piqued. When we investigated his chambers profile, however, he looked like an upscale estate agent, you know the kind who is wearing a knock-off designer suit. Then we had a closer look at his smouldering Twitter picture, and started fantasising about him. He seemed like the type who would whisk you away to The French (we hear it’s the fanciest restaurant in Manchester) for dinner before peeling off your lacy underwear and ravishing you on his super high thread count sheets. Then we heard from a besotted little bird that Shaun’s fellow SJB hottie Daniel Metcalfe is much better. But maybe the bird is wrong? What’s a Barrister Hottie Expert to do??
5) Nicholas Saunders (Fenners Chambers): ‘Shall we dance tra, la, la?’ trills this tap dancing silver fox as he shimmies out with his silver-tipped cane and top hat, a beloved fixture on the old-school variety show circuit. He may throw in some vaudeville or a spot of miming — perhaps a French accent is in order, Monsieur Chevalier! We love a man with a white silken handkerchief peeking out of his front pocket, almost as much as we love one in a monocle. It shows that he is natty, even sprightly, a fighting fit older gentleman smelling of cigars and peppermint. Fenners reveals no information about charming Nicholas Saunders other than this delightful photo. But that, surely, is enough to secure him a place in the annals of hottie history.
6) Patrick Thompson (St. Johns Buildings): Patrick Thompson is British, but his look screams American football quarterback. Just look at those broad shoulders, strong jaw and confident smile. Yes, Patrick is just the sort of guy you’d have a deep, abiding and utterly futile crush on in high school. Today he works with clients such as the RSPCA, which we imagine involves rescuing abandoned puppies by tucking them under his arm like a football and running to safety. When he wins a case, Patrick does a spectacular touchdown dance while all his juniors get out their pom poms. To celebrate his regional hottie win, we’ve been learning this special cheerleading routine. Just let us know when you’re ready for us in Manchester, okay Patrick?
P.S. We’ve been notified that Patrick’s chambers photo is years out of date. Those high school glory days are far behind. There’s also a rumour that he’s no longer in Manchester. Please confirm!
7) Philip Davy (Ropewalk Chambers): Another impeccably groomed barrister who, rather unfortunately, seems to have been photographed in front of the most depressing shade of grey known to man - it’s kind of like the backdrop of a white trash family portrait from the early nineties. We can see that Philip has very nice white teeth, thick hair, and reports that his interests away from the Bar include cycling and running. (Notice how all these barristers only mention their robust physical pursuits – there’s never any talk of ‘watching TV’, ‘swigging wine’ or ‘womanizing’, which we’d wager many barristers spend quite a bit of time on). Anyway, Philip looks like a sell-out creative ripped out of a Hoxton branding agency and plonked down in Nottingham. Lucky for the ladies of Notts.
9) Jeremy Cave (One Crown Office Row): Jeremy is just the kind of son-in-law that your nice home counties mother dreams about for her precious blonde daughter called Bella or Isabel. He is solid, he is straightforward, he is masculine. He likes ‘cricket, craft brewing, cycling and gardening’. His hair is kept nice and short, and we imagine that he always wears well-ironed shirts in pink, blue or white. In fact, the public figure whom Jeremy most resembles is David Cameron. BUT! Do not be fooled by his Tory styling. Jeremy is a Brighton-based barrister who acted as a junior in the RSPCA’s case against the Prime Minister’s local Heythrop Hunt, which resulted in two of its members pleading guilty to fox hunting with dogs. Being on the side of the foxes, ladies and gentleman, would earn a (hot) barrister a spot on our list any day.
8) Andrew Axon (Parklane Plowden): To smile or not to smile in a chambers pic? It’s a dilemma that every barrister must face. If they choose the former, they risk looking like a goofball. If they go with Blue Steel, they may end up looking SUPER FUCKING INTENSE. In a bad way. Andrew Axon has chosen to go serious, gazing off into the distance like he’s just seen a dog ‘fouling’ (as they say over here) the chambers’ lawn. He pulls it off fairly well. In fact, one of your Barrister Hottie Experts thinks he bears an uncanny resemblance to Jeremy Irons in the mid-90s. Andrew is looking remarkably well-preserved for someone who was called to the Bar over twenty years ago. He has a full shock of brown hair and hasn’t piled on the chunk like a lot of other barristers. Let’s hope as Head of Chambers he likes to keep pics up to date!