Rupert Paines hails from the same chambers as last week’s dreamboat Tomm Hogg-a-logg-a-ding-dong. In fact, they both gained tenancy just last year. Now we would like to ask you, which one is hotter?? Rupert looks like a little boy playing dress-up in his grandfather’s book-lined study. With his downturned mouth and determined expression, the young chap is clearly vewy sewious. Please, just give mamma a little smile for the camera? Rupert is so fricking driven — even though it is hard to imagine that he is much older than 15, his CV is already bursting with accolades. The man is a serious intellectual who probably loves lurking in libraries and drinking port with pompous old men. Why else would he have spent six long years studying Theology and Law at Oxford? He was rewarded for his efforts with a double First in the former and only a First in the latter (fail). We won’t bore you with the innumerable honours that are humbly listed on his chambers page, but suffice it to say that it makes for exhausting reading. We only hope that he doesn’t bore his girlfriends with a mixture of Parker and Mellows and Thomas Aquinas every night. Yes, we’re sure they love such legal and theological treatises, but sometimes you just need an evening of Masterchef the Professionals, no?
Tall(ish), dark and handsome, Tom Ogg will make a nice husband to some pretty lady one day. This newly-minted barrister went to a state school where he earned his street cred, excelled at Oxford, and then — get this — decided to teach disadvantaged urban children at a progressive boxing academy before turning to the law. He even wrote a very earnest book about his experience called Boxing Clever, which one of your Barrister Hottie Experts actually took the trouble of skimming. Yes, T-dawg is quite a catch. The only problem with the Toggster is that he didn’t exhibit one iota of interest in either of your Barrister Hottie Experts — our lives, our hopes, our dreams — he couldn’t even bring himself to flirt with us! But we’re still putting him up on the blog, because he is, objectively, quite Toggalicious.
By now we’re all aware that barrister beauty Amal Alamuddin is being romanced by none other than George Clooney. But what about the other members of Amal’s chambers, the prestigious human rights set Doughty Street? Well, it turns out many of them are hotties too.
Yes, a highly unscientific investigation by the Barrister Hottie Experts has revealed a disproportionately high number of hotties practicing at Doughty. But WHY?
Does human rights work make people good-looking? Or are ambitious, vain people attracted to impressive, worthy causes? We’ve consulted some experts, and this is what they had to say:
“Doughty Street is the original hip human rights set, thanks to a powerful legal brand crafted in the ’90s by the set’s former chief executive Christine Kings,” says Legal Cheek editor Alex Aldridge. “Many have sought to follow - some successfully, others less so - but Doughty Street’s coolness remains, and to this day continues to lure glamorous barristers-to-be with a taste for do-gooding.”
An eloquent and insightful contribution Alex! Another expert, whom we will identify only as ‘failed barrister’ says:
“I was desperate to get into Doughty Street, but realised as soon as I scanned the members list on their website that I wasn’t nearly hot enough. So I ended up working in publishing instead.”
And for good measure, we also have a contribution from a Doughty Street clerk, who says the chamber’s high hottness level is all down to Senior Civil Team Leader clerk Richard Bayliss. “I reckon it’s Bayliss that attracts them all,” the Doughty clerk says. “Think we should all thank Bayliss.”
Well there it is. And if you don’t believe us, behold the hot specimens below.
Oh Wayne, gazing on your soulful visage after all these months apart is oddly comforting. (Has it really been nine months since we announced the Hottest Male Barristers in London 2013?) We’re thrilled to find that more sexy pics are available since we Google imaged you last. What are you doing? Listening to some funky tunes with Dr Dre-style headsets? Are you dressed as a choir boy?
Oops, these are stills from a serious documentary, War Don Don, that “puts international justice on trial for the world to see”. In it, Wayne defends a man who some say is a war criminal… Others say he was a beneficent freedom fighter. Hm. Let’s hope it’s the latter. (Either way, though, you’re still hot Wayne.)
Harry Lambert looks like a detective in a northern 1980s crime drama, which we guess is fitting given his profession. The setting may be dingy, the tea may be cold, the wind may be howling and Harry’s expression may be withholding and suspicious. But no matter. He is still relatively attractive. We like his sandy pallor and no nonsense attitude. While he may be a tough nut to crack, we suspect that he is worth the effort.
Despite his brawny bod, Keir’s is not the kind of profile pic that will set a client at ease. He looks like a doctor who’s about to tell you that what you thought was routine bloating is in fact terminal cancer. His manly hands are tightly clenched, his eyes are wide and worried. None of it bodes well. To make matters worse, the office space behind him with those grey empty walls and messy piles of folders is decidedly unglamorous. Still, despite all this, we suspect that Keir is brimming with manly passion. So c’mon, spice it up for us and show us what you’ve got.
When we first checked out Tunde Okewale (recommended by a solicitor who has the hots for him…), we looked at his serious chambers picture, and thought: Gadzooks, must we be so frickin serious around here? How ‘bout a little smile for us? In the words of the great sage Judy Garland ‘Get Happy’!!! But then we turned to our trust tool, Google images, and discovered to our delight that there are tons of sexy happy shots of Tunde all over the internets. Here are some for your delectation:
Tom has been a favourite of ours for some time now. We originally fêted him for his brooding masculinity, rumpled hair and determined gaze. We longed to get to know him just a little bit better and wondered, in our heart of hearts, if our celebration of his charms might elicit a response from him? “Dear Barrister Hottie Experts, you have done wonders for my ego” would have been just fine. But no, not a squeak. Silent as the grave is old Tom. But, that’s cool. That’s cool. There are plenty of barrister sharks in the sea. *sniffle*
Amal, Amal, we’ve said it all. Well not quite all. We’ve come up with a new shorthand to describe your type: HRH (Human Rights Hottie).
Dear Kate, we really hope that you didn’t feel slighted when we failed to put you on our original women’s list. In retrospect we’re not even sure how you managed to slip our attention at the last minute when you are so clearly pretty. To our American eyes (and our male friends/hottie consultants), you are the perfect English rose that we wish we could be. You look as fresh as a daisy but also poised, classy and intelligent. In fact, you sort of look like Kiera Knightley. But a hotter version, with less jutting jaw and bared gnashers.
With her kind, sparkling eyes and joyous smile, she must be the most disarming and charming QC on the circuit. We looked her up on YouTube, and watched, amused, as she parsed the issues surrounding the Abu Qatada case to a couple of morning TV presenters who simply stared into the middle distance like sheep. Perhaps they were distracted by Kristy’s sexy gams.
For our coverage of cutie pie Nichola Higgins, see our 2013 Female Barrister Hottie List.
As we’ve noted in the past, Siobhan has gorgeous almond eyes, luminous skin and a luscious 80s blow dry. She’s doing well holding up the hottie side at Doughty.
Alison looks sporty pretty, like she would be the star midfielder on a girl’s high school soccer team. She’s be the team captain in fact. Instead of being a hot mess at the end of practice, she’d swish her blonde hair and barely have broken a sweat.
There are lots of other beautiful people at Doughty, but we’re bored now and need to get on with drinking wine and reading Femail. Until soon!!!
P.S. After checking John’s profile, it must be said that 4KBW chambers of Lawrence Power made a lucky escape from our bad chambers profile pics list. Was John’s head cut out with scissors and pasted onto a white background?? Get thee to OKCupid, and learn from their scientific analysis of how not to be ‘ugly by accident’!
We didn’t realise that the Daily Mail had covered our list of National Portrait Gallery hotties! Revisit the x-rated post by yours truly, Sonia van Gilder Cooke and Natalia Naish, and check out the DM article here!
A special post by the creator of Hot Barrister Birds.
14 August 2013: After many years toiling nobly for good causes, spectacular barrister beauty Amal explodes onto the global scene after being judged the hottest female barrister in London by… well, us.
28th October: Clearly our assessment catches the eye of a certain screen god, for merely a few weeks later, Amal and George Clooney are seen dining together at the fancy Berners Tavern in central London. But George insists behind his boyish blushes that she is just a ‘friend’. They are merely working together on a satellite surveillance project over Syria, it is claimed. As you do.
November/December/January: What’s going on?!?!?! Months of feverish speculation until…
18th February 2014: A&G finally break cover, and are seen enjoying an unconventional movie date – at the White House, for a special screening of George’s own film, The Monuments Men. (Come on George, that’s just showing off…). Other attendees say there were getting cozy in the corner together. Later that day the couple were observed at the Round Robin and Scotch Bar at the Willard Hotel in Washington D.C., along with Matt Damon and his wife, and Bill Murray.
2nd March: Clooney’s film Gravity wins 7 Oscars at the Academy Awards, but wait… George isn’t there! Some say he has skipped the ceremony to be in London with his darling Amal…
13th March: A&G are spotted on an island in the Seychelles, walking dreamily on the beach, arm in arm – Amal cradling a coconut, George swigging from a bottle of beer – apparently relaxing after a heart-thumping safari adventure in Tanzania.
18th March: A&G are photographed leaving the swish Carlyle Hotel in New York together on their way to dinner.
20th March: Amal is still in New York! Chased by paparazzi into one of those huge black celebrity cars outside her hotel. Where could she be off to…?
Alex has golden skin, luscious Scarlett Johansson lips and and long, curly locks, which Sonia thinks should hacked off asap. Natalia, however, has a soft spot for his man tendrils because they suggest a degree of sensitivity and sophistication. Alex stares out at us like a young European princeling and gives the impression of being confident and aristocratic. He clearly takes pride in his looks - check out the neat tie and slick suit - and hasn’t let himself go to seed like all some of the bloated, hard-drinking English barristers. This is perhaps because he was raised in France and is well versed in slick, continental ways. He also speaks Spanish and spent ‘long periods in Central and South America’. What a catch!
This hottie was referred to us by a tipster who has only included his (very, very hi res) picture with the cryptic initials L.H. Who is he? We don’t know, but we can say our mystery man is a classic hottie fit for Regency fantasy. We want to dress him in buff trousers and Hessian boots immediately. He’s not a dark, conflicted, brooding type like Darcy or Colonel Brandon. No, we’re casting him as Bingley or perhaps, for a meatier role, Captain Wentworth. We don’t actually know anything about this blond specimen, besides the fact that someone at Old Square thinks he’s a looker. But let’s hope in real life he lives up to all those rules of gallant behavior that we are projecting onto him. Can anyone help us solve this mystery??
UPDATE: Our mystery barrister has been revealed as Lance Harris of Old Square Chambers. Thanks to all our secret sources! x